#MakeOverYourMornings: The #5Things I Needed Most.

I’ve been circling. Imagine toilet bowl with me. Yes, it’s felt that bad.

Stress mounting to the point of spiraling out of control, and no matter the amount of know-betters and best-intentions I’ve truly been in constant conflict with myself.

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, which means that at no additional cost to you - I may get a small commission. However, this post is NOT a paid advertisement; you will have to read through to the end to see my #1 and #2 reasons why this was written - neither of which are to make money.

Let me explain.

I was going through one of the roughest days I’ve had in a very long time. And no matter how much I could pray through and ask for more faith to trust, at the bottom of everything I was feeling was this demand to know the source – was this a test to make me stronger? Or a temptation to see me fail? Should I beg for mercy, wait, and endure? Or should I fight back, get tough, and push through?

I felt like I was at the fever pitch of what my self-control could handle and yet there was more coming at me than I felt like I could bear. I couldn’t see clearly to the end of the day, let alone the end of the problems.

Enter #MakeOverYourMornings.

Like I said in this status update, I initially put the thought of signing up for the course out of my mind because – I’m a generally organized person. I get up very early, I have a good morning routine, and I’m generally satisfied with how I spend my personal time.

But…

Then I took a good look at myself, and I was still in my pajamas and it was nearly 10am. I had no clue what I was going to do next, eat next, or how we were going to just-make-it-to-lunchtime.

Oh, how my pride is sneaky.

Sure, my personal time was in good order, but my homemaking and scheduling for the kids needed some direction.

I was operating under good intentions, but not goals and plans. Pride, and the fear of change, had me believing everything was going well. I was making it to the end of every day getting some things accomplished but I didn’t have anything to measure it against. How does the saying go? The path to failure is paved with good intentions?

Facing my pajama-clad-self, I realized again that in order to grow in discipline and self-control I would have to accept this help. The right time feeling dawned. I wanted to get perspective – to take an inventory of my responsibilities, habits, routines, schedules, and goals.

So on June 2nd, I jumped into #MakeOverYourMornings with both feet, and here are my 5 favorite things about the course:

1. Goals – I have grown in baby steps by following Crystal Paine of the MoneySavingMom.com (MSM) for years now. The fact that this course was created by her was a big motivator for me to try it. Her journey with goal setting and follow through has been encouraging and transparent on her blog. When I have tried what she has recommended I have experienced growth and rewards. In the course, she goes in depth to explain the in’s and out’s of goal setting and keeping. She’s written a 64-page handbook to go along with this course including 6 unique printables.
2. Accountability – The course itself is an accountability. I have to do something every day, and before charting the next day’s task – I need to truly implement today’s. Day #7 is dedicated to accountability, and for the first time in my life I understand accountability in a good way. Before (subconsciously) I understood accountability as a consequence. It was something I needed in order to pull myself back up from falling. In my mind, it had the face of punishment and condescension. It was someone superior pointing down to me. And who wants that? That all changed today because of the way Crystal explained her need for and gaining of accountability for herself. She cast a whole new light on the subject. She built confidence into my heart to change my understanding, to open up to someone, and to believe in growth again. And I came up with a plan to make accountability personal – here’s part of my comment from the #MakeOverYourMornings discussion board: “[How about] a shopping accountability? Just a quick text to someone to say, “hey I’m at (name of store) and I just need to buy (item) – I just want someone to know that I only can spend (dollar amount).” For me, I can’t stand it when I’ve overspent and then I have to tell my husband and ask for forgiveness. It’s-the-worst. I’d rather not shop at all than risk overspending. So I think I’m going to ask a friend to be my text-to-shop accountability partner.” 
   

   Goal Sheet: written out, pictured, and set as lock screen (so I can’t forget about them).

3. Personal – The video portion (which is professionally done) of this course is so personal. Crystal does such a great job at creating a warm and welcoming feel to each day’s video – and her true passion for helping others is communicated beautifully through her friendly words and attitude. I’ve read MSM for years like I mentioned in #1, and I’ve watched her live out the tips and principles that are detailed in this course. So can you just read her blog and find the same practical helps? Not really. The value of this course is Crystal’s voice – her telling in detail how she has lived these lessons one-by-one. Her advise is personal but the take-away is unique to me. She leaves the application both specific enough to know what to do, but the advise allows me to apply my own how to do it.
4. Approachable – For each area of my life, this course speaks into both my strengths and weaknesses. My weak and lazy areas feel changeable. I’m inspired to make drastic change while also fine tuning areas where I thought I was put together. There is so much in the course – applying to every level of personal discipline – that I plan to go through the course again on a bi-yearly basis (or maybe more) when the seasons of life change and a new approach to accomplishing goals is necessary.
5. Balance – One of my weaknesses with balancing all of life’s responsibilities with appropriate goals is actually a strength – my passion. When I love something or I am filled with a drive to get something done, I take large chunks of time to devote all my efforts to doing it with all my heart. This is great and I have benefitted time and again from the large strokes of change and accomplishment. The down side is that it is unbalanced. The other areas under my management take a backseat until they get unmanageable (coasting only lasts so long in any one direction) and I must change my focus to the next area. If you can relate, then you know how it feels to try to hold back or stop short of the finish line just because of other demands. But such is life. I’ve learned that no matter if I’m on a roll with writing in the morning, my kids still must have breakfast and we all must get dressed and start the day. Some daily demands cannot go on hold just because inspiration or passion strike. So my #5 reason why I’m enjoying the #MakeOverYourMornings course is a big one because it’s helping me learn how to balance not just how to hold back.

So why would I take the time and effort to share this with you if I’m not looking to make a fortune off of it?

First, this course has inspired me to embrace the confidence of knowing that I have authority over my own life and choices. I needed to consciously choose to put my anchors back in something, and this course has helped me take significant steps in goal setting again. Now, please don’t jump into this course if you want Crystal (or me) to change your life for you! It’s easy to fall into criticizing someone who is doing well with their goals when I’ve tried and failed – if I had been in that attitude then this course wouldn’t have helped me at all. Attitude and anchors mean so much to me in having a positive life.

Second, I love being apart of this big community where together we can make a significant difference. As I shared on #2, the accountability of going through the course and choosing to engage with others has been very helpful and encouraging to me. Plus, on the launch day for this course Crystal gave 25% of profits to a great cause. Read her post to find out more about behind the scenes of the course and the cause.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading a little bit about what’s helping me change, and I also hope you’ll consider taking this course to see for yourself. Also, I hope you’ll take a minute to read my latest post: Teaching Money Management to Kids.

And as always – thanks for reading.

For more encouragement from The Home Learner and a free PDF guide to writing your own Parenting Purpose Statement, click here.

Whole30, Essential Oils, and Buying a House – How I’m really doing.

I don’t do well off my routine. I’m not a driven person. I do not come by self-control naturally.  If left to myself – I would flounder all day long.

All life long.

I found a way to help me keep steady, calm, productive, and optimistic – create an autopilot.

I’ve been working for years on adding slowly to my autopilot cue. No rushing, pushing, or measuring up to others. Just add one layer at a time. Good routines are formed in layers.

Morning routines, work and writing routines, homeschool routines, housecleaning routines, getting ready routines, leaving the house routines – you get my point. It’s all about critically discerning what I do, in what order, and for what benefit. Then writing it down and doing it again – in the same way – taking note of the effects and repeat until a habit is formed.

Good habits are satisfying. Seeing progress, goals accomplished, and happiness in the family are so fulfilling. I have been so encouraged by others who are farther ahead in the discipline journey than I am, but I’ve learned that routines and discipline are intimately personal. The what I do comes from the why I do it – and that looks different for each of us.

So I was happily plugging away at my routines until I went on a cleanse and started researching essential oils, all while knee deep in the process of buying a house (no small thing). Who knew 3 perfectly neutral things in and of themselves could humble me so much.

I have said I’m sorry more times in the past 2 weeks than I have in the past 10 months.

Making multiple decisions at the same time stresses me out. Wanting to do the best thing has cost more than I’ve wanted to sacrifice.

It’s breaking me that I need to constantly remember – don’t eat that, rub this oil on feet, this one has to have a carrier oil, and scan one more document to email the underwriter ASAP. All this thinking, deciding and choosing is constantly stretching my brain. It’s exercising my mental muscles and forcing me to own who is behind the routine. Who I am when I don’t have to think about decisions and who I am when I’m faced with 100 decisions at once can be 2 different people.

I had gained a certain amount of confidence from all my routines functioning well, but now that I’ve been crushed multiple times from the weight of circumstances and too many decisions that I’ve called my confidence into question.

So I went on a walk today and asked myself: what’s the big deal that I’m disappointed with what I chose to do? Did I mean to hurt anyone? Does anyone really care anyway? Am I just being hard on myself for the sake of punishing myself for having a stupid moment? And am I willing to submit to this circumstance and accept that it happened – and it’s over? Am I allowed to move on?

My answers:

• It shows people around me that I have flaws. I don’t like my weaknesses and failures exposed.
• No, I didn’t mean to hurt or offend anyone.
• No one cares or even remembers. If they do then it’s their issue not mine.
• Yes, I think I’m being too hard on myself and I’m not very good at correcting my behavior with negativity. Punishing myself will not push me to better behavior next time.
• Yes, I can accept that it’s done. I can’t erase it. It’s history.
• (Deep breath) I’m ready to move on. No one benefits from me staying in this hypersensitive state of disappointment.

This was me working through one of the keys to self-control: the self-critique. In order to submit to life’s circumstances and serve my family with love and respect, I must revisit the lessons of self-control often. It isn’t a one and done test. And failing one test doesn’t disqualify me from my role in life. My kids still need a mother, my husband still needs a companion, and my God still graciously calls me His daughter.

Dr. John Piper once said in a Q&A session at the THINK conference that 95% (he said “I’ll just pick a number” so that isn’t a hard statistic) of behavior is unpremeditated. Most of the time I don’t have time to think about how to respond – so the 95% of my behavior that I don’t think about must be governed by a transformed mind. The 5% of my decisions are going to be the big ones, he said, “like where you’re going to work, who you’re going to marry, and a few other things. But most of what you do, you do not have time to think about it.” (See the video of this Q&A here – the portion referenced here starts at 33:00)

So I need to be prepared. I need to know what I’m studying. I need to guard my mind, and actively renew it.  Life does just happen. At the end of an hour, a day, or my life I want to have worked hardest on renewing my mind and not just on forming routines. Because at the end of it all whether on or off routine, my mind and heart will prove me right or wrong. Good or evil.

The past couple of weeks and days have revealed to me that I have been able to cover up some of my poor thinking. I have had to face that I still have a long way to go. There is a lot more for me to learn about myself and how I behave. For me, being a life long learner means that these seasons, days, and moments – the breaking and remaking parts – are used to grow deeper roots. Bigger storms always come, more significant tests will take me off guard, and in those future times – it will be what I learned about myself now that will inform the decisions I make.

Facing a hard season of decisions or simply a change in routine that throws everything off isn’t bad. I love the quote: “Hard isn’t bad. It’s just hard.” Accepting that something is hard and requires work is sometimes the most difficult step for me.

In the end, all of my hard work has paid off.

Interested in the topics contained in this post? Here are the links for those:

• Why I Don’t Sell Essential Oils
• Whole30
• THINK|14 Q&A with Dr. John Piper

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Redefining the Bottom of the Well

Two weeks ago I sent out an email to some mom friends; I had hit a dry patch. It was rough, and it wasn’t the type of feeling that shakes off after a nice latte or fresh air.

I was stale.

I felt like something had to give. I was questioning my writing, my influence, and even my teaching style. Maybe it all had to change.

I felt at a loss.

Contemplating choices for the future turned ugly, and I began to feel like a failure in what I was doing. The successes and efforts paled. Getting back into a place of living color felt impossible.

I turned inspiration into a burden and felt overwhelmed.

My greatest gift had become my greatest need.

So I boldly asked for encouragement. Hey, I’m feeling down and funky – and I don’t mean the spunky, dance moves kind – would you please be able to give me a lift?

A miracle sparked. I’m not sure why or how, but just the asking and the receiving – the process of figuring out what I was needing and pursuing it – gave me the momentum I lacked. I got back on my feet.

And just like that, the season changed.

We started exercising again. (By we, I mean, my son and I.) We got haircuts. We went to the library again. I wanted to read for leisure again.

Again.

Accidentally, I had stopped prioritizing these things or life had gotten in the way, but one thing was certain – I learned that I couldn’t encourage from an empty well.

I learned that coasting on a full well doesn’t last long either; I need daily, quality connection with life to feel fully alive.

And reaching 50 degrees helps too.

In recent years I’ve learned that I have so much responsibility to own for how I feel. Steady emotions aren’t reserved for those of a certain disposition or personality type.

My emotions require more maintenance or inspiration to function at my highest potential. So I have to own the work that it takes to function and stay stable. It’s a balance, and it’s a process.

Emotional progress can be tricky when I take into consideration circumstances and seasons, so I’ve decided to redefine the bottom of the well. I need to create a false bottom. In order to prevent the total dry out, I’ve come up with signs of dryness:

1. TV watching instead of book reading
2. A bunch of demanding little commitments: daily, weekly, monthly – regular engagements that drain without the balance of commitments that fill and inspire. (This one isn’t usually a problem when church attendance is regular, but it has been lately – we’ve had someone vomiting or running a fever every-single-Saturday for the past 3 months.)
3. More than 3 life experiences that I need to share with my spouse: I know I’m headed for an emotional dry place when I have a backlog of things to update my husband about. I need him to know me, and when I’m waiting or unable to share with him – my feelings fade.
4. Lack of fresh air, color, music
5. Too much sugar (And now I have guilt. I just ate a tootsie roll. Maybe I should move this to the #1 spot.)
6. Clutter and a lack of concern to clean, avoiding simplifying because it feels too hard
7. Sleeping in, I need to be a self starter – no one else will start my day for me.

I’m committed to learning how to live life to the fullest. And I’m truly thankful for the grace to live with a full well, feeling inspired and satisfied. I hope you do too.

Affiliate links to the books pictured above (at no cost to you, these links support this site – high five!):
Persuasion (Vintage Classics)
No More Perfect Kids: Love Your Kids for Who They Are
The Writing Life
Fifteen Minutes Outside: 365 Ways to Get Out of the House and Connect with Your Kids
Seasons of a Mother’s Heart, 2nd edition
You and Me Forever Workbook: Marriage in Light of Eternity

How I get out the house on time (without yelling).

I have two basic goals when it comes to getting out of the house with kids in tow:

1. Arrive to the appointment on time
2. Be kind

Often times, I have compromised #2 in order to accomplish #1. But when I yell at my kids to speed them up, something happens every time: they slow down even more.

I’ve learned over the years of parenting that it’s just better for my constitution to expect complications and give everything double the amount of time it should take. After all these little people are little. They simply cannot operate at an adult speed and they certainly can’t plan ahead. Their disposition to be magnetized by distraction is built into the fiber of their being. This is what makes them curious and playful. It’s what brings them joy and laughter.

Their slowness is a goodness.

So I set out to make peace with them and with being on time. And these steps have helped me and brought more joy to our mornings than I ever thought possible.

1. Plan ahead. I know what appointments I have for the next day. Even when my calendar is completely open: I make it a point to know what time I have and own that time.
2. Budget time. I start by figuring out how I spend an hour. Then I timed myself doing my daily tasks to see how long it actually takes to empty the dishwasher, etc. For me, it takes 7 minutes to apply my make-up from start to finish. This little detail helps me know how to order the steps in my morning to accomplish multiple things simultaneously.
3. Direct kids with one command at a time. I can’t give two-part instructions. This is huge; it’s the most important step to this process. For example, I do not say “bring your books upstairs, put them back on the shelf, go in your room and get changed, and then come in the bathroom to brush your teeth and wash your face.” Instead I:
   • Start with “bring your books upstairs now, please. You have 3 minutes.”
   • Keep them accountable for that one thing. Correcting and guiding them to obey one simple task at a time. This needs to be done with great patience for the slow and distracted kids.
4. Set a timer for everything. Every single task. Don’t skip this step. I need the beep, they need the beep. After hearing the beep for another 2 minute task, I start to feel the passing of 2 minutes without the beep. This is true for them too. I used to get lost in my own routine- I’d forget how long I had been staring into my closet for what to wear. Now I give myself 2 minutes and if it isn’t picked by then I have to move on and come back. 
5. Give them a clear plan for when we need to arrive. 
   • This is an opportunity to teach them to tell time. We started them young by using a digital clock and only highlighting the hour.
   • Tell them how long it will take to travel to our destination.
   • Have a countdown to when we need to leave to arrive on time with the amount of time necessary in between.
6. Don’t yell. Sounds easier said than done, I know. But I knew I needed to change this habit first, and train them second. Their behavior will follow.
   • Some kids get slower when yelled at because of their fight or flight instinct. They can’t learn or listen when their brain has shut down because of fear.
   • I’ve mentally prepared to give myself a “time out” when frustrated and tempted to yell. Sometimes my time out is closing my eyes, and I don’t speak until I can do so calmly.
7. I’m not aiming for perfection. I don’t want to be rigid and uptight. My goal is excellence so I need to take my circumstances into context.
8. Don’t check my phone. Rarely have I actually missed a texted that would have changed my plans if I had read it before leaving the house. When my phone is on silent and I don’t pick it up while getting ready I save myself from becoming disoriented.

I’ve learned that living with little people is for them but not about them. This process of discipline and growth has been about changing my habits. Whether I will work hard and own my goals or not. No one will help me get out of the house on time for me. It isn’t convenient. I feel like everyday I am tested too much, but we have had such consistent success when I’ve followed these steps and rested in knowing I’ve done my best.

When we arrive smiling, I look at their faces and all the work has been worth it.

For more help in managing your time well, check out this course called “Make Over Your Mornings” by Crystal Paine. Her course can help you live with more peace and purpose.

For more encouragement from The Home Learner, click here.

.: life as we know it :.

If I had to summarize life right now with one sentence, all I would want to say is: I love my family.

The Lord is disciplining me, and before any assumption ensues, this discipline is not a harsh consequence due to a sin(s). I also don’t want to give the impression that I’m being made a victim in my own life. And I’m not talking about bed rest yet. Wow. Listen to me, I’m not making sense at all. So let me start again, from the beginning.

I was quiet in the month of March. Quiet down in my soul. I didn’t have anything to write. I didn’t have much to say. I was observing my choices and my routine, and doing the mental math. My living wasn’t equal to the life I’m called to live. I realized through a course of introspection, prayer, and confrontation that I was the problem in the equation. I was the variable that wasn’t measuring up.

And in a song, I heard the comforting calling from the Lord: you’re restless without me.

From that moment, I turned back to Him realizing that in big and small ways I had gotten into a disorderly mess due to my own attempt to do it on my own. That day began the journey of discipline, and I am delighted to say that it is continuing even now.

I’d love to write more in detail of the many things I’ve learned in a few short weeks: reading this book, going to this conference, and hearing these speakers: Dr. Kathy Koch, John Rosemond, Kirk Martin, and Amy Quakkelaar. Through these the Lord divinely planted in my heart the desire, drive, and direction for His discipline.

What does this new discipline look like? I really can’t answer. I couldn’t diagram the plan – it wasn’t my plan to design. I just know this is the beginning of something long-lasting, and although I was at first tempted to throw in the towel when the direction bed rest was spoken, I have since been surprised and delighted by the revelation of the Lord that this is plan A. This is the process of discipline for me. It isn’t a side step, and I’m tickled to see growth in my heart.

I hope this process includes more writing. I’d love to share in greater detail what I’m learning. Life of paper. But for now, just know that I love my family.

Rob who is the perfect partner for me. He gets me and can think like me. His anticipation of my feelings and needs are a treasure.

JoeAnna who is embracing her style and growing in compassion. She is creating and dancing, and she is being hugged lots more from a mama who wants to see and fill her need.

Graham who is transitioning into an independent little boy and learning faster than he is taught. He is driven and competitive, and yet concerned for others to the core.

And our sweet little Emmett. We haven’t met him yet – thankfully! But he is already deeply loved and protected by us all.

We all fit together. We make up this life as we know it. And it’s a good life.